WendyMcElroy.com
Gardening and the reason for beingThis morning, when the soil is warm enough to work without making my finger joints ache, I will put in a vegetable garden that I hope will meet most of our needs for the next year. The garden has already had a rocky start. First, the plants I carefully sprouted indoors in the bottom of egg cartons were destroyed by my cats so I had to purchase fledging tomato plants etc. in order to get a few weeks' jump on the process. Then, just a few days ago...snow. Not snow that layered the ground or leaves but plenty of white flakes that melted on contact. This weekend looks good for planting, however, with two days of promised sun followed by rain on Monday.
So what's all this about the "reason for being?" I don't think the answer is complicated but conforming my attitudes to that answer may take the rest of my life. The reason for being is life itself -- to experience every day as richly and honestly as possible with each human being defining for himself or herself what constitutes riches. (I know my own definition with a high degree of precision.) Then, the process is simple. You get up every morning and do the best you can -- support and maintain whatever you're responsible for, love the people for whom you care, laugh as often as possible. Then you go to bed and get up the next day.
The problem is the culture in which I live, including people (like family members) whom I cannot simply ignore. They value money and prestige above happiness -- indeed, above all else. They judge a person as successful or a failure based on bank accounts, cars, bling...whatever costs a bundle to have means you are a success; if you don't have it, you're a failure. I honestly don't think it occurs to them that someone would deliberately reject what they consider to be success. It is like saying someone would choose not to be American; it just doesn't register as possible.
So what's all this about the "reason for being?" I don't think the answer is complicated but conforming my attitudes to that answer may take the rest of my life. The reason for being is life itself -- to experience every day as richly and honestly as possible with each human being defining for himself or herself what constitutes riches. (I know my own definition with a high degree of precision.) Then, the process is simple. You get up every morning and do the best you can -- support and maintain whatever you're responsible for, love the people for whom you care, laugh as often as possible. Then you go to bed and get up the next day.
The problem is the culture in which I live, including people (like family members) whom I cannot simply ignore. They value money and prestige above happiness -- indeed, above all else. They judge a person as successful or a failure based on bank accounts, cars, bling...whatever costs a bundle to have means you are a success; if you don't have it, you're a failure. I honestly don't think it occurs to them that someone would deliberately reject what they consider to be success. It is like saying someone would choose not to be American; it just doesn't register as possible.
I define success differently. I value independence and a relatively simple life that includes lots of time to explore ideas, take walks with my husband, travel the world, and focus on staying healthy. With one exception, the only purpose money serves is to further those goals. (The exception is to provide a safety net so that those goals are not cancelled out by illness, accident or other misfortune.) Making more money than those goals require is a bad trade off for me; it means that I am wasting irreplaceable time from my life on pieces of paper that I do not value. What am I going to buy with it? I already own the land I walk on. I have enough money to eat well -- indeed, because we live in an agriculture area and I make most meals from scratch -- we eat superbly with ethnic food being my speciality. I am warm in winter and I love the summer sun. No one owns my time. And my husband is the best of all constant companions.
And, yet, this morning, I feel like a failure. Why? A family member called specifically to tell us an old friend was now a millionaire and urge us to "get in touch with him!" I don't know what he expected would happen...perhaps he thinks being rich is a communicable condition or we could hit the friend up for a loan and, so, finally replace the 16-year-old car that I love. I don't know. But the message of the phone call was clear. People in our family think we are failures because we are not as wealthy as we should be...however wealthy that is. It doesn't occur to them that wealth is a trade-off and, beyond a certain point, it becomes a terrible deal for us. After making their disappointment clear, such family members always say "just as long as you're happy"...but they don't mean it. They would vastly prefer us to be rich and miserable. For one thing, we could then leave mattresses full of money to nieces and nephews...thus living a miserable but successful life for the sake of others' happiness.
And, so, this morning I need my garden, I need the sunlight and time to conform my attitude to the correct answer for me to "what is the reason for being?" Most people will continue to flatly state that the answer I embrace is wrong. And it may well be the wrong answer for them. I can't define success for anyone else and I wouldn't accept that responsibility if I could. Unfortunately, other people don't have a similar reluctance toward defining success for me. And as long as I care for people -- a weakness I am not willing to surrender -- I will have to conform my attitudes back to my own definitions, my own truth over and over again for the rest of my life. Ah well...
And, yet, this morning, I feel like a failure. Why? A family member called specifically to tell us an old friend was now a millionaire and urge us to "get in touch with him!" I don't know what he expected would happen...perhaps he thinks being rich is a communicable condition or we could hit the friend up for a loan and, so, finally replace the 16-year-old car that I love. I don't know. But the message of the phone call was clear. People in our family think we are failures because we are not as wealthy as we should be...however wealthy that is. It doesn't occur to them that wealth is a trade-off and, beyond a certain point, it becomes a terrible deal for us. After making their disappointment clear, such family members always say "just as long as you're happy"...but they don't mean it. They would vastly prefer us to be rich and miserable. For one thing, we could then leave mattresses full of money to nieces and nephews...thus living a miserable but successful life for the sake of others' happiness.
And, so, this morning I need my garden, I need the sunlight and time to conform my attitude to the correct answer for me to "what is the reason for being?" Most people will continue to flatly state that the answer I embrace is wrong. And it may well be the wrong answer for them. I can't define success for anyone else and I wouldn't accept that responsibility if I could. Unfortunately, other people don't have a similar reluctance toward defining success for me. And as long as I care for people -- a weakness I am not willing to surrender -- I will have to conform my attitudes back to my own definitions, my own truth over and over again for the rest of my life. Ah well...
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